If you live in North Austin

Big things in Texas require things that you don’t find elsewhere.

Let me give you an example.

You walk into your Big Texas Kitchen. (Most everything here deserves Initial Caps.) You turn on the light switch. You make dinner and then clean up which, if you’re making chicken fried steak, as I do–for real, Yankee friends, believe it…–takes a long time to get all that canola oil up from the stovetop. Of course, that task is made a bit easier since you have an electric stove and you simply wait for the burners to cool and then spray you some Fantastic on the flat surface. Not so with gas burners, which I’d prefer for cooking with but not cleaning.

By clean-up time, you have logged approximately 10,000 steps on your FitBit simply moving among the four dredging stations for your entree and having your feet move while Dolly Parton sings, “Cash On The Barrelhead.” You see, you have enough room to rope a calf and still mash the potatoes with your left hand.

But now it’s time to turn off the lights and go to bed, or maybe retire to the living room for some TV. (Another 500 steps there.) The problem is, you can’t simply walk back to the place where you turned on the light. Because that switch is over there, and you’re way over here.

The solution?

Put an additional light switch here, so that there’s one there and here. See? Simple. Otherwise, we’re talking another 2,000 steps round-trip–I mean, you can’t well enough drive inside, right?!–and that would spell an early night on account of fatigue, and, frankly, you want to watch Hannity.

Or Anderson Cooper, if you live in North Austin.

That’s if.